The Truth About My Social Anxiety And Why I Did Pickup

The time has come to share my truth about being Johnny Berba the man who picks up women from the street for sex. I’m not going to beat around the bush that’s, not my style. I absolutely hated Johnny Berba I could not stand him. I could not tolerate how insecure and jealous and greedy he was. I got to the stage where he would not allow me to be myself around people and believe me it was very painful. He put so much pressure on me to be somebody, a confident man who was good with women. A man that was respected by other men for lying to women to get sex from them. How pathetic and immature but I had no choice at the time because I was terrified of people. I was suffering from such bad social anxiety I felt I had to be strong around people and not allow a single bit of venerability to shine through. The contradiction was my whole personality was trapped in my vulnerability. I was hiding my true self because I felt I was worthless because I received some harsh criticism from my Dad when I was younger. I was really fucking angry if I’m being honest and I hated people because I could not trust them. I could not trust myself because the self that I knew I truly was got rejected.

I was abandoned by my Dad and this made me so angry and violent. It’s difficult saying this but it’s the truth I hated women as well I did not trust them one bit. I was angry towards my Mum for letting my Dad abuse me all my life. I was so angry you cannot evan imagine how much anger I was containing. I felt so ashamed and so embarrassed to be around people and so uncomfortable you would not believe. My whole life growing up I never trusted any of my friends and it hurt me to feel this way. I felt so alone but at the same time, distrust was my only trust because this way I could not be hurt. The most hurtful thing was that sometimes I would feel love for people and want to get closer but something would not let me. It was a feeling in my stomach and the upper area of my chest that became very tight. I also had a horrible inner voice that blackmailed me in keeping all this a secret. The inner voice would say if you tell anyone, Jonathan you will be completely abandoned and this terrified me and kept me silent. I was so afraid of getting caught out for being a complete fraud I was paralysed at the mouth. This was exactly how I was around my Dad a complete phoney, a liar. Like Alan watts said the biggest crime you can commit is to deny that you are god.

I know this may offend some people depending on how you interoperate God but believe me when I heard that is it rattled every bone in my body and sent shivers down my spine. This is what I did all my life I abandoned myself and took on the beliefs that I was a shy socially anxious man that was afraid of people. I invented and archetype that would please my dad and keep him happy at the cost of me suffering on the inside. In, fact, my whole perception was designed around protecting myself from being violently attacked by people. I was split personality one in which was a horrible violent bully who used intimidation to scare people. The other was a complete people pleasure that agreed with everything people said just to seek approval. As I write this now a shadow is arising saying I’m exaggerating which is not true I’m in fact down playing my story because I don’t want to sicken you.

My Dad destroyed my trust with people and all my behaviours were carefully calculated by this inner demonic voice that dictated how I should walk, talk and react to people. I had no freedom I was a prisoner in my own body. I was suffocating on the inside sometimes I could not breathe my anxiety was so strong at times I thought was going to die. I remember occasionally when I would feel comfortable around people it would feel like complete freedom so much love and honesty. I felt so connected to my heart and the love for others was so strong I could cry. Truth be known I did cry because I was an emotional man well, in fact, I was a human being living on this earth with a right to live. It was still not enough to be told this by my mum and all my family members because emotionally I felt worthless like a dirty disgusting piece of shit. I felt so ashamed that I pretend that I was ok and everybody else was the problem. I had so much confusion which caused so much anxiety and depression. I remember being afraid to go to sleep because I knew I would wake up to a pounding heart which is a panic attack. I was having these panic attacks regularly and they literally drained me of all my energy.

I found it so tiring to talk to people and just being out in public was difficult. Social anxiety is very underrated because by definition it means you are afraid of people which is true. However because I’m a very dedicated student of social anxiety I did some further inquiry which is over a decade long and truth be known you are most afraid of yourself. This is why people who suffer from social anxiety suffer both around other people and by themselves. I’m yet to decided which suffering is worse being around people or being alone. I would say that being alone actually because what could be more painful being that we are all one collective consciousness all reflecting back at one another. I knew this deep down when I was around 19 that being afraid of people is not normal. I had personal evidence to back this up because when I was born into the world I was not afraid of people I did not hate anyone. All this fear was taught to me by my environment and my cultural conditioning that had wired me up to believe I was in danger and needed to project myself from my fellow man.

I also have experiential proof that people can be trusted because I felt love for my friends when I was in school. In fact I made friends very easily at the tender age of 9. The interesting thing was although I had experienced so much bullying from other men they seemed to have taken a real liking to me. I’m not going to apologise for writing this call me whatever you want. (EGOTISTICAL) I knew I was a very charming, kind, beautiful, loving, man that could charm the pants of people. I believe I inherited this from my Irish ancestors that had a gift of the gab. This is what I love about the Irish and this is what I loved about myself which means I did love people. When I say I the I that knew he was the real me the easy going vulnerable friendly man that could connect with people from a genuine place. As a matter of fact, it run, in the family my lovely mum and all my aunties were so charming and hilarious. On a good day, my Dad was a very funny man with his direct manner. In, fact, he was a very kind man a man of real integrity and respect. He taught me some of the most valuable lessons in life which I have been able to pass on to other men.

You see this is the most painful, confusing, lonely, part of suffering from social anxiety. The inability to consistently trust yourself and others because of the trauma that is caused in early childhood. This is what causes the multiple personality disorder or in spiritual terms the divided selfs. This is the conflicted story that plays over and over in your mind and makes you see the world in a negative light. So I thought I would write you a silly little poem about social anxiety that goes something like this:

I don’t trust anyone…

I trust some people ..

know one can be trusted ..

I can be trusted I’m a genuine person

no your not your a complete dishonest liar

don’t you dare tell anyone about us

how could you do this to me

you did this to yourself

I know I can trust my family and friends and myself

your dad cannot be trusted and neither can you or anybody else

Ok! you win please keep this a secret, secret is safe with me.

who are you? who are you. I’m you! no you are not.

I cannot take this anymore, I’m going to tell everyone I’m afraid.

everybody I have social anxiety I’m afraid of all of you.

YES! I did it I’m free I’m my true self

They will never love you like I did they will abandon you

It’s ok I already abandoned you so I have nothing to lose.

I don’t have social anxiety.. dissolved into thin air goodbye

I’m with God now

Thank you God none of this would have been possible without you.

So Johnny Berba the fraud the man who was addicted to having sex with women on the street to hide his pain. I became a prisoner in my on body, from a divided self that did not trust the world. despite all the song and praise from other men and women that enjoyed the exchange of sex with no human connection, this guy had to be put to death. I stopped going out to manipulate women for sex and I stopped hiding from people and decided to put to bed the very monster that created my social anxiety which was my Dad. I went and confronted him and told him the truth about how terrified he made me and that I was no longer afraid of him. I did all this without a single bit of fear or anger, in, fact I brought so much love into the room it silenced the place. I healed a massive part of my trauma that had been hurting me for over 15 years. I finally stood up to this mythical monster the story that blackmailed me and plagued me every day. I left my parents house a changed man which made everything I had been through worth it.

I was so excited because I knew that my change would have a dramatic effect on not just my dad but the whole world. When we make a positive change we take that change wherever we go into the world. Now I’m not going to play the typical look at me on the top of the mountain teacher who is enlightened and pointing down at everyone. I’m human just like you and I have a biology that sometimes feels anxiety just like every other tom dick, and harry. The goods new is I do know who I am and I’m working from this place so much more consistently which is a god given miracle from how I used to be.

I have also developed the psychological tools to be able to manage my social anxiety and continue to nourish my authentic self. I’m living proof that anybody who has undergone abuse, social anxiety, can make this beautiful transformation if they really want to. Notice how I said if they really want to because it can not happen any other way. You have to want to confront this fear of talking to people and changing your ways with how you live. I will give you right now for FREE my whole method that took me over 11 years to discover through pain, blood, sweat, and tears, and that is HONESTY.

I know what your thinking Honesty? tell me something I don’t know my friend. Is it that easy well no it’s not because most people are living in complete dishonesty and it’s keeping them in complete terror. It takes massive amounts of courage and will to go straight as my Lovely Nan would say. A further truth that my friend Geoff and many other great teachers taught me was we cannot be honest in one place and dishonest in several others it does not work with the universe. I learned this from going out on the streets and picking up women which sometimes I was honest in the initial five minutes of meeting them but after dating them I was a dishonest liar and a cheat because I was sleeping with other women behind their back. I also realised that to cheat another human being is to cheat yourself which is what I was doing for years and it was hurting my body and feeding the sub-personalities and voices in my head.

When I finally admitted to all my crimes as Alan watts would say I love that guy so inspiring and charming as well. I questioned the whole concept of what made Johnny Berba which was all centred around picking up women. I knew to put him to death I had to stop feeding him which is why I stopped sex with women without a genuine connection let’s say monogamous relationship. I got brutally honest with myself and went into areas of the male identity that society had sold me which were I cannot love myself without the love from a beautiful woman which was not true. I put that myth to bed and made a promise to myself that I would not have sex with a woman unless it felt right and there was a genuine connection. As a matter of fact, I practiced talking to women from a place of genuine interest and quit all the manipulative behaviours that Johnny Berba did. I wanted to test if being the real me worked and of course it did, in fact women came on even stronger and I actually enjoyed turning down sex from women.

I started to feel so much more confident in myself and my social anxiety dramatically decreased it was so exciting. As promised, I will be honest it was not easy to turn down sex from women especially when you are a sex addict which I still am. I’m still tempted every single day because I’m in the flesh and I accept that which is why my integrity is my guardian angel. The very fact I have self-control enables me to show up in he word a socially confident man. I have absolutely no interest in promoting a perfect teaching that has no imperfections because my teaching is imperfect and so am I. As a matter of fact I hope you don’t mind me saying so are we all imperfect and venerable. I love what St Paul said which my friend reminded me off in a conversation. When I’m at my weakest I’m at my strongest and this has been so true in my life and continues to be the case with connecting with other people. When we try to project ourselves we actually lose everything. The very fact we close our hearts is what is keeping people afraid, unhappy, unfulfilled, and unloved. The more we open our hearts the more love we welcome in and for anyone one that thinks this is not being a man please try it before you ridicule it because it’s the manliest thing I have ever done. This is coming from a man that lived a very violent life and hurt a lot of people including myself. I have been in the boxing ring, I have battered people in school, on the estate, in local shops, house parties, buses you name it I have first class honours in scrappy fist fighting. I also got battered and robbed so many times even pissed all down my school trousers when my dad used to attack me so I know what is mainly. Haha sorry, I have to awkwardly laugh at loud because it could have all been avoided so easily just with LOVE. Love, Love, Love, Love, is what it’s all about. Man, it’s all about LOVE.

The reason I know this is all about love because I tried everything else to fix my pain. I tried hiding which caused more depression and anxiety. I then tried dishonesty and all the rest of the pickup artist stuff with having sex with  women which made me feel empty and unlovable. I tried also hiding in stuff like spirituality to justify my lifestyle which was going out and manipulating women and myself. This was what I learned about fear and dishonesty it destroys you on the inside and hurts you. It makes you not trust yourself or anyone else for that matter. It’s the loneliest place in the world a living hell and no money, sex, fame, validation, can give you real self-love. You have, to be honest if you want to be able to trust yourself and other people and build inner confidence the real stuff. Not the fake it till you make it stuff which is what I did with Johnny Berba that gives you short term pleasure and sets you up for long-term misery. You know when you start experiencing healing and finding self-love because you will cry like a baby which I did for months on end. Tears of relief and joy and honest expression that have all been suppressed over the years.

I felt so much compassion for myself and other people it was painful. Just walking down the street looking at people made me cry all the suppressed emotions that I was suppressing. It was not just the fear of not being loved by a woman but the absolute terror of loving a woman whole heartedly. Over time, you start to get genuine answers as to why your life was so fucked up yet at the same time you appreciate how precious life is and all the amazing things you have. You then move into the final stage of the healing which is forgiveness for yourself firstly and the person that abused you. I’m still going through this psychological, spiritual, cleaning, which I’m excited about a fresh new start in a new body. I did the main healing with my Dad which means a lot to me. I’m genuinely excited about continuing to help other men that have suffered from abuse and social anxiety. I learned something that is also precious to me and that is to tell my story to other men and the full extent because it literally transforms people’s lives. Nothing is more terrifying than feeling your are the only one suffering from social anxiety. I want to give anyone my genuine care that you are not alone and you can beat this by coming out and being honest. The anxiety does go away the more you practice speaking to people from a genuine place and please no pickup tricks unless you want to not trust yourself.

Your friend and coach

Johnny Berba

I want to leave you with a message:

It’s not enough to speak the truth we must live and breath it to connect to our best self. We must also be honest when we make mistakes which we do with ourselves and others. Being honest does not mean being perfect but it means taking responsibility for how we live and doing the best we can.