How Jonathan Overcome His Social Anxiety And You Can
Jonathan hide a secret from the world for years. Jonathan was so afraid of his FEAR he pretended it did not exist. Did you know that Jonathan was terrified of PEOPLE?
Jonathan was abused by his Dad growing up because he was honest and confident. I know that sounds kind of strange but don’t you think being AFRAID of people is strange. How can a person be afraid of people it makes no sense.
I know I told this to myself but the fear of people didn’t go away so I ran away and hide. I didn’t want people to see my struggling because that was DEATH. Imagine being naked with your willy exposed on a cold winters day when it’s at it’s smallest and all the girls are looking at you laughing at you and all you can do is die with embarrassment. The fear of talking to people is no different to being in the pacific ocean with GREAT white sharks swimming around you.
I bet you think I’m exaggerating I wouldn’t even blame you if you did. I wouldn’t even be upset if you judged me for being open and honest about my story. I was afraid of my family, friends, myself, police, strangers, cats, dogs, children, everything. I was fucked on the inside excuse my french a foul tongue this is my honesty it’s not perfect but it’s honest. This man (Dad) made me socially crippled to the point of not wanting to look people in the eye. I was “dysfunctional” a wild bull ready to kill anything in site. I was insecure, paranoid, deeply ashamed, and very jealous. The jealousy was the fear of being abandoned. My psychology was twisted to the point I was too afraid to let a psychologist know my thoughts. My thoughts were very “DARK” I was afraid of my own mind it bullied me every minute of every hour like tooth, ache. I felt constantly judged just for being human and existing without saying a single word. I dare not speak in public because that would be being arrogant. I was taught that speaking loud, confidently, and clear was being a stupid arrogant cunt. I hate the word cunt it’s horrible damaging to the soul. He spat on my soul with his blasphemous unconscious unkind words. He played into me and made me piss all down my trousers then left me crying in the room by myself for hours. I was abandoned not for misbehaving but laughing and joking with me mom. I was showing love and affection which is what young boys do that don’t have social anxiety disorder. He got jealous of my social confidence and relationship with my mom it triggered his ANGER. His pain body attacked me whenever it got triggered which made me paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t speak when he entered the room at best I could say alright Dad how was work after that I would dry up and jump into my mind and leave my body. Human interaction was too real, exposing, honest, uncomfortable, painful, shameful, embarrassing. He humiliated me and taught me I could never trust a human being again. My true identity was stolen like a thief climbing in the window at night whilst you sleep.
I was confused because This was my Dad he was like Jesus to me everything he said was the gospel truth. I thought I did something wrong it must have been the way I looked at him. I never forget when he said you looking at me like I’m a cunt don’t look at me like that again I will bash you around your fucking head you hear me.
BULLY, your a BULLY….
I told him our of pure ANGER, a righteous ANGER
the universe is my witness I remember like it was yesterday. Me thinking in my mind at around
aged 17 I’m going to kill you when I get older for what you did to me. You fucked up my life and stopped me from loving my mom, people, family, myself, I felt like a scumbag because I unconsciously HATED people. I loved my Nan unconditionally and fancied some the pretty girls around my estate and loved my friend Alex but I hated people. You made me hate people Dad by abusing me verbally, psychically, and psychologically with your shitty negative fearful beliefs about the world which were not true. They may have been true for you at the time you poetically said them but not for me. I told Jesus I don’t want these violent dishonest beliefs about hating people and never being able to trust anyone and remaining socially crippled.
I love you the real you but not this evil bully that shouts in my face ten x a day with spit and foam spilling out his mouth and looks like a possessed man. I’m not having this wait to I grow up and expose what you did to the world. Wait till I train down the gym with professional boxers and learn how to take your head off with a right-hand cross. You are going to get old one day and I’m getting taller, fitter, stronger, wiser, more ANGRY. Revenge is a dish best served cold. I’m not going to allow you to get away with what you did to me for years. This was childhood abuse I could have reported you to the police and got you put in prison. You treated me like your worst enemy and you expected me to talk to you and act like nothing happened. Mum knew she was terrified of what you did and how it broke up the family. The energy of the house was not good love was absent that’s the truth no matter how much you pretend to deny it and rationalize it the truth is the truth.
I changed I went from a lovely charming young skinny teenager to a violent abusive bully just like you. I bullied people because people bullied me and I needed to protect myself from being seriously hurt. How comes out of all your friends (Jonathan) it’s always you that gets into fights. I don’t know mom these MEN just keep starting on me because of my “NERVOUSNESS” I try and hide that I’m damaged and socially crippled because Dad traumatized me after calling me a stupid cunt 10x a day but people sense my discomfort in myself and it creates violence. As soon as people look me in the eyes I get ANGRY and the HATE speaks for itself. Would you love and trust people if your Dad who took you football said he didn’t love you for being honest.
I was so ashamed I wish this never happened to me I didn’t want to betray my Dad and family by talking openly about this. I thought I could overcome my social anxiety and build confidence without ever talking about my Dad. I was wrong the pain and emptiness would never ever go away if I didn’t tell the whole world that was the deal. I spoke to Jesus or God/Universe whatever you cal it lets the divine energy that is within every women/man which is love. I said please tell me what would you like me to do in order to overcome my social anxiety and be able to breathe properly again and love people. The universe answered Jesus knocked at my door disguised as a postman with a first class message. Tell the truth to the whole world Jonathan shout on the top of the roof tops. SHOUT!!!!! EVERYBODY I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER BECAUSE MY DAD ABUSED ME FOR MANY YEARS I’M DEEPLY ASHAMED AT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. i’M ASHAMED AT WHAT I did to other people.
Will that do Jesus? No, I want you to go in the middle of the woods naked and expose everything about yourself that you did that was dishonest I mean everything. “OMG” This is going to crucify me emotional, psychologically, spiritually, I’m dead I’m going to die whilst my heart is still beating. What are people going to think about me especially the people next door that think I’m so innocent.
Ok It was me I did it I was in pain please FORGIVE me.
Violence
drugs
Crime
cheating stealing
Lying
Manipulating
Masturbating to hardcore porn
wearing different masks
being jealous
judgmental
people pleasing
hitting women
hitting men
Now I want you to go out and talk to people completely necked without the “MASK”
“OH MAN”
This is going to be so painful like sticking a knife in your heart over and over again the pain is UNCOMFORTABLE looking into people’s eyes is to exposing. People will be able to see me for who I truly am. I will have to start all over again like ABC’S…. I’m going to feel so stupid like a child, in a grown hairy man’s body.
Ok fuck it I have no choice I will do water it takes to destroy this “MONSTER” this story that has been secretly bullying me all my life. The depression, lonely, anxious, paranoid, addicted, unhappy, bi-polar life has to come to an end.
I’m going to become so honest and loving that any dishonesty won’t be able to sit in front of me without curling up into a ball. I have to change my ways and renew my mind and cleanse my spirit and (FORGIVE) my Dad I know violence won’t solve this problem I’m still angry at this cunt excuse my graphic language but this is how I feel. Since honesty is the BEST policy I have to get everything off my chest the good, bad, ugly. I have, to be honest about how much good my Dad did as a father because, it;s easy to judge a man for his sins but it takes an honest man to point out a man’s strengths. My Dad was hard, working man, kind, with money, great story teller, strong, encouraging, funny, talented could have been a history teacher. Roman Empire he read these big thick books on the Roman Empire and could tell amazing stories that had you fully engaged. He was a fair man at times until his “ANGER” got the best of him.
I think’s it’s quite obvious how much I loved my Dad despite what he did to me. I later learned that he didn’t get away with it all the pain bounced back on him. I never got away with my bad behavior I paid the price, let’s just leave it as that.
I had to forgive myself by becoming honest that was the truth I asked god believe me I asked him. Let me put my ego aside for a moment. I begged (Godn my hands and knees to fix me and make me normal again. Make me loving and able to speak to people and feel safe in the world. Make me into a real man with confidence. Help me to (Forgive) my Dad because I cannot do it alone I have too much anger in me. Every time he looks at me I’m 13 years of age at age 30 I go back in time I cannot speak to him. When he’s talking to me I’m not present in my body I’m asleep way up in the clouds.
I need to go into a church now don’t be fooled I’m not really a church goer it’s never really been my cup of tea to ball preachy. I prefer to have a quiet word alone in silence, stillness, honesty, love, compassion, forgiveness. God are you listening please help me to forgive my Dad and btw I feel greedy and arrogant rot ask such a favor but I’m desperate I’m begging on my hands and knees don’t be fooled be my blue suit the is just armor I need to fix the inside. I want to kill him with love and forgiveness. He has changed a lot since the days of the abuse and he is sorry I can tell by his nervousness around me. I wouldn’t hurt my Dad with violence it’s not who I man anymore I love him. I don’t except his unkind words because I have disproven them with my change and success. I have transformed people’s lives all around the world with my honest words that come from (Love) My story has traveled the world and come back to it’s home.
I’m free nothing to hide massive healing has taken place and now a new path awaits I want to change men. I want to change women, kids, the world with my honest story about social anxiety. My mask is off.