I want to share my honest, ugly, shameful, disgusting, terrifying, abusive, hateful, beautiful lovely inspiring story.
All throughout my life, I was terrified of people I suffered from severe social phobia better known as social anxiety. I was violently abused by my Dad when I was younger and this made me terrified of people. My whole sense of trust had been completely destroyed because the man who was meant to show me love abused me on a daily basis. I’m not even exaggerating as I tell you this story because this man who felt like a stranger in my house my (Dad) was a violent bully. It’s difficult to explain in written language how it feels emotionally to not only be afraid of your own Dad to actually hate him. This leaves you feeling really confused, ashamed, abandoned, afraid, guilty, lost and a whole load of other emotions that can not be put into words. I mean my whole life growing up I felt unloved and I completely hated myself. I later grew to realise as much as I loved my mum because she was and is a beautiful soul I also felt feelings of hate towards her for letting him destroy me. I actually hated people because I felt I could never trust anyone not even myself with regards to putting out my true personality. I was corrected by my Dad at age 15 for behaving like a cunt according to him which completely broke me and shattered my self-esteem.
I promised to tell the full extent of the truth because as I write this I feel somewhat judged for possibly being a victim and seeking some kind of pity from anyone who is reading this. This is what one of my inner voices is saying so I’m calling it out because it makes me feel better and hopefully it will help you too. I have another voice that is excited and very relieved to tell you and me the truth because it’s beautiful and only the truth can set us free from our darkest secrets. For most of my life, I lived a complete lie in every sense of the word. I could not be my true self around other people something would not let me speak I was so afraid. I had so much social anxiety it hurt my body to even have a conversation with another human being. As crazy as it sounds I was not comfortable talking to people even my close friends and family. This for years made me feel so frustrated because I was carrying the whole weight of another man who was trapped in my body which was me the real me. For many years, I convinced myself that this was not really going on which helped me to deal with the pain I was feeling deep down. I also did what most people do who suffer from low self-esteem I hide in all my addictions to numb the pain which seemed to work at least for the moment.
My life did, however, consist of some really beautiful, exciting moments like playing football with my mates and other troublesome activities like doing graffiti on walls via the skate boarding track. I know what your thinking what a contradiction but this is actually the heart of the dragon the monster that made me feel afraid all of the time my (Dad) a huge contradiction who could be really nice and loving towards me and then completely violent laying into me and shouting at the top of his voice what a stupid cunt I was. (Please excuse my language) his words not mine. This massive contradiction had also manifested itself in me with how I behaved towards people around me which sometimes was really nice and sometimes really horrible. I was completely out of balance socially I did not know how to relate to people because I was so afraid of being attacked by people. I was also really afraid of hurting other people and on many occasions, I did because of being bullied at school. I got bullied my whole life which led me to becoming a bully to protect myself what a vicious circle. It’s so sad but so beautiful because this story does have a happy ending otherwise, I would be too ashamed and embarrassed to tell you. I always seemed to get picked on by men wherever I went at school, at home, in my local area on the estate. This continues terrifying, story that had no beginning or end that just spontaneously bullied me whenever it felt like it. The vicious paranoid thoughts of my inner monologue that blackmailed me from being myself and stopped me from living a normal happy social life. This is what fear did to me and continued to get in my way every time I wanted to talk to people. The interesting thing is when you are afraid of people you are afraid of everything. Let me ask you some really obvious questions to allow me to transfer my message across to you and to help you change your story.
when you go to the shop to buy milk who do you speak to? people
when you go to a job interview who do you speak to? people
when you go on a first date? people
when you are afraid of yourself? person/people
when you get on the public transport you sit with? people
when you switch on the television who do you see? people
when you sit in a restaurant and order food you are with? people
I was afraid of people who are the same as me so I was afraid of myself and did not trust or like myself which projected onto people. All this because of a few hateful statements from my Dad and not to mention the half a dozen fights I was in that created more fear in me.
Ok enough of the sob story because my inner monologue is kicking in and iI’m excited to tell you how I put an end to this monster that was destroying my life. I basically spent the next decade of my life facing my social anxiety head on which started with approaching women on the street and eventually developing the skill set to sleep with them whenever I wanted to within reason of course. I like many men was lead to believe that my happiness lied in having sex with as many women as I could get into bed. I truly believed that if I could be liked by women and people (Men) then all my problems would go away hence my social phobia. Now if I said this did not help I would not be telling the truth because going from a shy anxious 21-year-old virgin hitting a level of egoic supreme confidence to getting laid whenever I wanted was quite an achievement. I spent the next few years doing this and teaching this to other men all around the world which felt amazing to be able to help and inspire others which I did very well.
The REAL TRANSFORMATION AND THE END OF DEMONS…
After 3 years of being worldly renowned as one of the best street pick-up artists and having achieved all my selfish egotistical goals of making money, having sex with enough women, being liked and respected by other men I felt completely empty on the inside and alone. All my social anxiety started to come back and this time even stronger because now I had a reputation for being MR confident dating coach who helps other men pick up women. I felt deep down that this was wrong something did not feel right with regards to going out to purposely plan to pick up women for sex and to also completely lose all your integrity in the process which I did. It was so difficult to resist because all my friends around me were doing the same and a whole industry was condemning this fine art of picking up women so how could everyone be wrong that would also make me wrong. Well, which we are we talking about the false ego that wanted to hide his past trauma and pain by creating a new personality one that was socially confident and able to attract women and dominate the world in front of him. I eventually could not live a lie because I had already been doing this before and that lead me to a road of destruction. Something had told me that this journey with all the abuse from my Dad had not been a waste, in, fact all of it has lead to this beautiful story about love and forgiveness and moving on to a brighter future one that is honest and full of integrity not perfect but beautiful and honest.
All I ever wanted was to be my true self and to build genuine friendships with men and of course to find a beautiful girlfriend which I’m still on the look out for no rush all in good timing. As a matter of fact, all I wanted was to live an honest life that was full of love and free from fear which was a gift my Dad had passed onto me that had to be converted over to love. This became a reality and for over one year now I’m living a life with integrity and I have found the truth which was the search for self-love the (Kingdom within) honesty was the truth in all my teaching and only through living a dishonest life was I able to find this truth. I went and confronted my Dad non-violently and told him everything and also told him although he hurt me I forgive him and love him. I thanked him for all the kind things he did and playing a part in making me the man I am today. This does not mean that I’m completely healed of every pain because it’s a life-long process I know that but it’s more than I could ever have hoped for and my life is very beautiful and I’m blessed to now be helping other men who suffer from social anxiety and a background of past abuse. My job is to teach men how to overcome social fear through the practice of honesty which is what my entire youtube channel is dedicated to doing and my 6-week transformation programme. Meeting women is completely fine on the streets or in any social environment but not at the cost of becoming a liar and a dishonest man who cheats on women and cheats himself because this is what happens when we try to hide our true self in a life of dishonesty. If you go out and use manipulative tricks to have sex with women you will attract the very same kind of woman which will be manipulative and dishonest. We attract what we are so we must be really careful what we become. My teaching is about helping men to build a healthy relationship with themselves which is the most important one because if this is not in place all your other relationships will be the same.
Last message to all my lovely followers!
When we access the kingdom within you will attract women and everything else in your life without having to try. This is the strange, yet beautiful, profound, law of the universe!
Healing pain through honesty
Your friend and coach,
Enjoy The Process!