Like all men in search to find security in oneself, I am curious to seek answers and through that I find more security in myself, or at least become more secure with my insecurities as a man. Why do I touch on such an uncomfortable subject which most of us men don’t want to even look at nor think about? Well my friend, once upon a time I was massively insecure shy, afraid, introverted and who struggled to make eye contact with the opposite sex. That’s right! I was more afraid to talk to women I found attractive than to do three hard rounds of sparring in the boxing gym!
I reached the stage which I called rock bottom and when enough is enough, something had to change. That something was me! I grew sick and tired of living in constant fear and unhappiness. I started to enquire as to why I was so nervous to speak to women and express my feelings. I guess like most shy men, I bought into all the hype on TV, media and magazines, and plus my peer group at the time were not so encouraging as they too seemed to be afraid. I make no excuses – it was so tempting growing up in a tough neighbourhood and in a school that taught me more about violence and every day survival, which I now realise was an education that has now served me well and helped me to do such an amazing job changing peoples’ lives, helping them on their path to finding security, confidence, congruence, happiness and joy in their dating lives.
I feel that in order for men to become more secure in themselves and confident with women,they need to first acknowledge the fact that it is completely ok to feel these feelings. Now I am not for one second saying that you need to cry about it and feel sorry for yourself because that will not get you very far. Action MUST be taken! Sitting on your ass reading and watching videos will NOT give you the psychological confidence you need to make this mental shift from feeling insecure to secure around the opposite sex. I found through my own experience we need to expose ourselves to these limiting beliefs such as “attractive women find me ugly” for example. In this case, you need to go out into the world and field test this belief which does takes a certain amount of courage. This leads me onto my next part which is the more action we take, the more self esteem you can build as you will be proud of yourself for doing whatever the outcome may be.
You can begin to collect what I call “positive and negative reference points” through REAL and PRACTICAL experience like approaching 10 women in one day and telling them you find them attractive. The immediate feedback you gain from this experience is priceless to the individual on the path to finding security in oneself. I can guarantee even if you have no idea how to talk to women and you are really nervous; just the mere fact your trying and being HONEST, you will definitely improve. With practice, you build more confidence which builds more courage and this of course starts making you connect with yourself more. I believe like all things worthwhile, we must put the work in to achieve them and becoming more secure is no different to building a successful business; you need to build a strong foundation for the business to run on. Of course, different people will respond to things differently. Apply and adapt what works for them. Women are attracted to genuineness, honesty, confidence and congruence. All these words we use to describe an attractive man is in fact really the SAME man that is centred within himself. Do not mistake this from being the perfect man because no man is. I have learned along my journey through a decade of talking, dating and seducing women that the more I understand women, the more I understand myself and visa versa. It is really mind blowing that you never stop learning as it is a constant process, which is why I enjoy teaching so much and of course always learning at the same time.
My final conclusion is that, in order to find security, we need to face the parts of ourselves that is insecure. The parts that we are ashamed of was something I learned through experience and something that Geoff Thompson has really underlined in his teachings which I recommend you check him out for more deeper spiritual understanding of this awesome guy. I am going to say that only through practical repetition can you develop confidence with women and of course some theory to digest what you have learned from your personal experience, However be careful not to get to caught up in someone else’s theory as it is not yours. You can get inspired by all means but remember you need to find YOUR path and when you decide to go on it, you will see how exciting, scary, fun, mind blowing it is my friend!
your friend and coach,
Johnny Berba