Why Men Get Put In The Friend-Zone?


A real common problem I see with men is a typical nice guy behaviour when talking to a woman they find attractive. Now I don’t quite know whose idea it was to inform men that being nice to a woman will increase your chances of taking her to bed. Now before I proceed to explain my take on the “nice guy” behaviour, not for one second am I at all advocating being unkind or disrespectful to women.


I will add that coming from a very shy introverted background myself, I too at one stage struggled with this concept, as I was always a really nice guy and NO it did not get me laid. I remember being at school at around aged 15 and seeing all the attractive girls who were always surrounded by the bad boys at the school. It was very apparent to me that the girls would almost always seemed to be attracted to the bad boys, however the nice guys always seemed to get placed in the friend-zone.


You could be forgiven for being confused as the general advice available to men was always to behave as a gentlemen towards women only after you’ve slept with them as depicted in the James Bond movies – haha, just kidding!

What I later learned from my mentors and just through my own experience and trial and error is that women are attracted to confident and outspoken men that although had a gentlemanly way about them, they were nevertheless not at all shy at expressing their sexual interest towards women.

Now in my opinion, which is after a decade of interacting with women, that taking more than a handful to bed, I believe the main reason why men get put into the friend-zone is because they lack sexual confidence with women. I’m going to be stereotypical for a second to stress the point that the typical Mr Nice Guy usually tends to be overly polite around women and would never dream of saying anything that would be of any sexual intent. I’m sure you have seen the guy I’m talking about on the TV screen who talks to women with a high-pitched voice, has non-sexual body language and a look of desperation in his eyes like a soppy dog.


So where am I going with this? Am I saying that every man should be constantly delivering sexual intent at every opportunity when interacting with women? No of course not! I strongly believe in bringing honesty into dating in every aspect from men and women speaking their mind as to what they feel and want. Now what separates the nice guy from the bad boy is a fine line. I don’t want to bash on about how good of a dating coach I am (but I will!). However I have mentored over 5oo men on a one-on-one basis and some have had this sticking point of being a little too nice which I always find by getting them to do honesty exercises where they actually say what’s on their mind when talking to a woman.


This can literally make all the difference between a woman being attracted to a man just by him being more direct about his feelings as opposed to hiding them through small talk about meaningless jibber-jabber. Women don’t always know what they find attractive in a man as it’s not logical but rather emotional, which is why I normally advise men to stay clear of this kind of mainstream advice like “Oh just be a nice guy and buy her flowers”.

I’m all about teaching men how to be more congruent which is something I have learned from Geoff Thompson, who goes really deep into the psychology of congruency, finding alignment in your true authentic self. Geoff explains that all men and women have multiple personalties which he calls “shadows”, which in Freudian psychology would be called a defensive mechanism which we build to protect ourselves from getting hurt. Now am I saying that we need a psychotherapist to attract a woman? No but I’m saying that congruent men that stay consistent to who they are tend to do better with women.


The more honest you become and the happier with who you are, the more attractive you become to the opposite sex. You actually should be working towards becoming a nicer guy but not in the sense of the “Mr Nice Guy” that is afraid to voice his opinion. It’s the balance that I can only describe comes through challenging your fears, insecurities and getting better with rejection, which ultimately leads to gaining more success with Women. I’m all for being a gentlemen taking a woman out and treating her like a princess, but not at the cost of trying to win her over in some sneaky way to get her to like me. I’m coming from the heart which is a place of love and strength, as my friend John Cooper would say.

Women want a strong man that knows who he is and is not afraid to make mistakes, which I have later learned is very attractive to women showing a level of genuine vulnerability. My final message to all men is to be more honest with women – stop talking nonsense and tell them how you feel; that way you cannot lose.

Enjoy the process!


Your friend and coach,

Johnny Berba