My Story With Overcoming Abuse With My Dad

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I finally, finally, finally, found what I was looking for my whole life in regards to overcoming my fear and understanding my fear. I had a lovely honest conversation with my brother yesterday who I love very much. I’m very thankful that we always had a close relationship even though we are seven years apart in age. At times he has been the older brother to me with his strength and support. I know I have told my story loads of times over youtube through my old and more recent videos with my battle with overcoming social anxiety and the abuse that I underwent with my Dad which traumatized me. I have, to be honest with myself in writing this article because it feels right and it is the truth. The truth has been waiting within me for years even though I played a horrible trick on myself in denying it. I have been inspired by so many people to have the courage to tell me story, and tell it in full truth. It was so simple yet it was so difficult for me to be so honest because I didn’t want to offend people. My whole life has been spent being afraid to offend people in case they get angry and attack me. I was terrified that people will try and bully me because that will bring out the devil in me. I was afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, angry, jealous, confused,tired, suicidal, hopeless, confident, passionate, intelligent, abandoned, rejected, accepted, paranoid, frustrated, loving, addicted. This is how I felt and what I did in my life over a period of 15 years since I first became damaged by my dad. I hated him for what he did to me because I knew it was wrong. I knew deep down he was very insecure and suffered social anxiety and this hurt me. I felt afraid for both of us because his pain is my pain. He spent his whole life living in denial about his pain which I could see in his eyes. I could hear his pain in his voice and feel his nervousness from all his anger that he contained in his body. I was absolutely terrified of this man that was supposed to be my Dad. This man was supposed to protect me and show me some love. This is what I felt in my heart which is why his teaching was all wrong. He taught me that I can never trust anyone I mean absolutely anyone do you know how that feels. Do you know how terrifying and fucking lonely the world is when you cannot trust people, Social anxiety disorder is a fucking cope out from the real truth, Social anxiety is apparently the fear of being judged by people which is the surface of the route cause of the problem.

My Dad fucked up my life and ruined my relationship with not just him but myself, family, friends, the world and beautiful women. My Dad or this man that bullied me and called me a stupid cunt destroyed me. He fucked around with my head and stared at me with hatred in his eyes. From a young age, I was excellent at reading people this is why I was so confident with people and great at making friends. This is why I was so charming and found it easy to attract women until this bully fucked me up. He shouted and spat at me because I was being myself and that made him jealous. My own Dad was intimidated by my social confidence and my relationship with my mom. He hated when my Mum used to hug me and say I love you Jonathan this made him uncomfortable I could sense it in his body language. This is why he directly looked me in my eyes and called me a mummies boy and told me to stop hanging on your mothers aprons. He made me feel ashamed and embraced to be who I truly was. He made me feel dirty to the point of not wanting to be loved by people. I hated myself after years of being exploited by this pig of man.

The great thing about social anxiety excuse me being abused and punched and slapped around the head and pushed on the floor and pissing all down your leg and having my mom screaming out to my dad to get off him and leave him alone. I can still hear her voice screaming get off him Ruben you are going to hurt him. Then he stops and he’s destroyed himself because he has to look at himself in the mirror. He has to see a bully, abuse, hateful, fearful, jealous, insecure man. He’s damaged and I feel so sorry for him. I feel sorry for the fact he bullies me and then he feels bad after and often comes up to me with a poxy half asked hand shake that feels like a wet fish. I’m sorry he says with a look of defeat on his face and shame, embarrassment, and complete shock. I’m shocked as well because I cannot believe what has just happened to me. I’m in so much shock that I have to jump outside my body and hide way up in my mind because I cannot cope with what has happened to me.

I feel disgusting, abandoned, terrified, unmanly, soft, mummies boy, that is full of rage. I have to redeem myself now otherwise I won’t be loved and respected by him. I’m so broken and angry at how he has made me feel I’m looking for revenge on any man that wants to fuck with me. I’m full of violence and hatred towards people to the point I cannot look people directly in the eyes. I’m afraid that they will see I hate them. This is the real fear with social anxiety and being abused and raped of all your honesty. I was always honest growing up and vulnerable and caring of people. I loved people and I loved making people feel good which came naturally. I didn’t have to think about what to say to make people like me. I never had to constantly monitor people’s every words to see if they were trying to take advantage of me. This sickening mental illness which psychologist call paranoia is what He gave me. He was always paranoid which is why he could go from being super nice and loving to an aggressive psychotic manic. He attacked not just me but my mom, brother, people, he was an out and out bully. I learned a lot about him by observing his behavior which is why I’m an expert in helping people with social anxiety. I can smell the symptoms and see them like a shark can smell blood in the ocean. It takes one to know one along with all the characteristics such as people-pleasing the ultimate defines mechanism. People pleasing was my way of protecting myself against his violent, unkind, inhumane, abusive, insults. I just ways agreed with him when 80% of the time he was talking bullocks. He was talking the language of fear and complete dishonesty which is why I couldn’t be lied too. I used my common sense and compared his behavior to my lovely nan’s which was worlds apart. I mean my nan was close to a st. everyone loved her I mean everyone. My Nan saved me from committing suicide and potentially killing someone which I nearly did on a few occasions. I was a lovely guy deep down I wore a social mask to protect myself from my Dad and other people. I used to trust myself and people which is where my core confidence came from. This does not mean I was a wanker excuse my language just quoting my Dads words. The word wanker is a cockney word for not being a proper man. Basically, means a man that is massively insecure but hides it through being violent and preying on other vulnerable people. This is what bullies do they attack other people to make themselves feel good for a short time to return back to feeling worthless, empty, depressed, ashamed. This is how I felt when I bullied people which came from what he taught me with his vicious, dishonest, violent, words. The things he said to me hurt me more than the psychical beatings.

There were many beatings that I took from him which my mom, brother, witnessed. For years my mom has been in complete denial of what my Dad did to me because she is afraid and deeply ashamed. My brother is the only one who fully acknowledges what my Dad did to me and agrees it was wrong. What am I talking about he abused my brother as well maybe not as much as me as he learned to be more careful of his actions as he got older, My brother is lovely and full of confidence and genuine charm. I have always been terrified of hurting my family with my honesty because I love them. I went through every emotion and every possible outcome as to what would happen if I told the world about my story.

The problem with abuse is a lot of people don’t want to deal with it. Other people can feel uncomfortable when you share your honest story. I was never one for getting on my hands and knees and begging for sympathy this made me feel like a dirty beggar. However, this was my excuse for keeping quiet and lying to the world about who I was. The world needs my honesty in fact selfishly so do I. I have spent years running from my honesty with having sex with women from all different parts of the world rot block out my pain. I have indulged in so many things tat made me ashamed and nit want to look in the mirror. The amount of men that I punched in the face and hurt because my fear of not wanting to face my fear. I felt awful on so many occasions for being violent towards men even when it did feel fully justified. I got bullied by men everywhere I went it seemed to happen. I knew this was because they could sense my anger, fear, shyness, embarrassment, inability to trust and all the other obvious signs.

I also did things that shocked myself like visiting prostitutes for sex and giving them my money that took me a week to earn being a postman at royal mail at the time. I did jobs that I hated and were not part of who I was because I was afraid to confront my fear which was the story of my abuse. The story made me more fearful than he actually did because this is how abuse affects you after on. I could forgive his actions way back in the past but my unconscious was not going to be lied to or manipulated. This is really difficult to admit but I allowed people to manipulate me socially because I was scared of being my true self.

My true self was really confident and charming and not at all violent in any way. My fear was being confident around my dad because I knew that would kill him. This would end this story that blackmailed me every single day no matter how much success I achieve din my life it still hurt my mind and my body. My soul felt mistreated because I lived a life that was a complete lie. How can you truly any your life if you are not even honest with yourself. To overcome the fear would be simple for me which is to tell the honest truth. The truth is my dad attacked me for being confident because he suffered social anxiety. He never trusted himself that was plain and clear to see in his words, actions, behaviors, towards himself and other people.

I later realized why my mom was always so fearful about me confronting this lie which was everything did not happen. My mom was part of the abuse, in fact, my whole family where which is why I had so much anger towards all of them for allowing this monster to destroy me. He made me question everything I mean everything from money, women, god, religion, life, art, drugs, violence, crime, graffiti, people, sports, science, everything fucking everything. I question myself for years even tried to blame myself. I didn’t want him to think and feel I betrayed him for telling everyone what he did to me. I was also tempted to knock him out with my hands which I knew I could. I trained boxing for years broke people’s noses, left people unconscious on nightclub floors, shared with professional boxers. This was not who I truly was which I is why I couldn’t continue living this way anymore. I had to follow my intuition and tell the truth and change everything about how I lived my life.

I got to the point where I couldn’t hide anymore there was no room to hide. I wanted to hide but the world had run out of space. I couldn’t even hide in a bed with a beautiful woman which once felt so comforting. I couldn’t hide among all my dysfunctional relationships that were protecting me from the truth. The truth was bursting out and my heart was going to explode because the energy couldn’t be contained no more. This fear had become so afraid that it actually spoke to me and said Jonathan enough of the running let’s face everything. I don’t mean 30%, 40%,50% 60%, 70%. 80%, 90%. I want 100% the truth otherwise, the fear is never going to go away. In fact, the fear was going to get worse. I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel if I could have the courage to go towards the honest truth.

Would you believe me if I told you I’m writing the rest of this article in the church because I can’t do this on my own, To face this fear on my own would seem really arrogant of me. I just had a lovely honest conversation with a priest about anxiety. Yes, he just told me that he suffered from anxiety as well must be something in the air. He asked me to send him my story which I agreed but warned him it is shocking. The honest truth is usually every shocking especially when you come from a dark past. I lived in a living hell for years and pretended it was heaven when it was clearly not. I gained the whole world but lost my soul along the way which hurt me. I did all this out of fear of not being loved by people. This taught me things that you cannot learn in a classroom or read in a psychology/self-help book. This is my experience living in a human body and experiencing both sides of the spectrum. I overcome my social anxiety along time ago, in fact, it never really existed. I was afraid of being my true self which was socially confident because this would mean overcoming the fear. I spent years approaching women on the streets of London to build the courage to write this and share my story with the world.

One thing I learned about sharing our story is we inspire other people to also share theirs. It was just a story which happened to me a mere collection of experiences. I was afraid to change the story you see because that would mean confronting and dissolving the false me. This would mean stopping all the cheating on women and all the violent behaviors. As much as this terrified me it also made me feel so excited. I felt like I could finally wash away all the dirty sins that I had bee carrying for years. I wanted to feel clean again like I did when I was a young 13-year-old boy. I wanted to love myself again and to trust myself. I wanted to love people again because for so many years I hated people because I couldn’t trust them. I was ready to finally share my truth with the world by facing my fears and changing. I already told my dad the truth and in doing so confirmed it did happen. I told my mom and the rest of my family members the truth. I told girlfriends what happened now I’m telling the whole world even god the creature of this fine universe. I also told the truth in my youtube videos, Facebook post, articles, twitter, podcast interviews, public talks, you name it. I even told the truth to strangers who sometimes came and sat with me over coffee the truth because they asked. People asked me all the time how did you get the confidence to teach and do the things you do. I did all this because my Dad taught me about everything even thought what he taught was wrong it inspired me to find healing and live this amazing life.

I’m just getting started because this story needs to be told in more places to more people to inspire them to overcome their abuse/social anxiety and become who they were meant to be. This has taken me every bit of strength and courage to tell my story but it gives me great satisfaction in doing so. Every time we tell the truth we connect to love, greatness, inspiration, confidence, success, hope, love.

Thank you for reading

Love
Jonathan